You must never feel like you, yourself are not good enough. And it’s easy to feel that way, when the world around you seems to consistently disagree with you.
Your job, your finances, your relationship. It seems like the odd are against you.
And I’m saying you, but that’s just because it’s easier to project onto others than it is to self reflect.
It’s hard to look at your self and tell your self, “I need to be better, I need to be stronger.” It’s hard to look into the mirror and convince yourself that I am good enough. That you are trying as hard as you possible can just to stay happy. Stay afloat in the crazy, raging, wild waved sea of life.
You tell your self things like, “even though I’m in this shitty situation, I will learn from my mistakes” but it doesn’t really help. And you try to explain to yourself that the pain is just temporary, and will be over soon, but you don’t really believe that.
You believe in the good of those around you, so therefore, they must be good. But you just keep waiting for that side to show. And you’re patient, and can wait, but you’re not so sure that they are. And nothing scares you more than not knowing what someone is thinking or feeling about you. Because you have no control over it.
And not having control over what others think, say or feel about you is the absolute worst thing in the world.
Not having control is one thing you can never change. Think about it.
You can never, completely,have full control of anything. Life is full of too many probabilities. Too much chance. You feel this the most at work. Especially if your in a position where you work with the general public mostly. Such as retail or sales.
You have no control over the attitude of the customers that come in, even if you yourself have grade A customer service and remain professional even in high tense situations. You have no control over your co-workers, and you might like about half of them, but the other half kinda cancel that out and you end up just hating everyone there. The sight of your job makes you mad and just the thought of having to get up every. Single. Morning. To go there damn nears makes you literally sick. But still, everyday, you get up and go and count down the minutes till your weekend begins again.
Second worst, not having your voice heard. Not having your voice respected. You feel this mostly in your relationship. That no matter how many conversations you have about the same thing. Nothing ever changes. And the lack of changes is your fault. You know you aren’t perfect in the relationship. You know that you have things to work on, and because of that, all you asked for was patients and understanding while you try to figure that out. But you’re consistently told that you’ll never change. That nothing will ever be different. You’re made to look like some Godzilla-king kong monster bitch that just keeps fucking up. Even if you have tried and tried your hardest to work on your broken things. Even if you accept them as broken and are patient with their recover, you still can’t get that same respect and patience back. Then your stuck wondering what to do. Because when you fuck up, its bad, and when you apologize for fucking up, it’s still bad. So what do you do? Bite your tongue, fake the funk. Or stand your ground and pray for the best?
Third worst? Well, one and two makes you feel so awful that eventually, you start to believe the things they say. You start feeling like you aren’t good enough. You start wondering what is it about you that is making everyone around you crazy. And sometimes you have to look at you and figure it out. Because sometimes what the rest if the world does is just psychological projections. Saying how they feel about themselves and their lives and trying to make it seem like it’s you that is broken in order to feel better about themselves.
Even as I’m explaining this all right now, I, myself and am reflecting my feels about myself, on to you. Because being in a state when you feel like you are mentally self harming yourself with negative thoughts, is still a form of self harming. And self harming like any other addiction or bad habits can only be healed when you admit to the problem, but admitting to the problem means admitting you’ve made mistakes and that you may have been wrong. And sometimes, that’s the hardest thing in the world! Here, I have taken the first step to healing myself and making myself a better person. It’s doesn’t happen over night. Change doesn’t just happen. And rather or not anyone else can see my changes, as long as I know that I am working to make myself better, then I will get better.
Woman In The Mirror 